Blind: Who Is Toothy Tile?

Ted C

Since I’ve been away on vacay, where I injured my back—no, not from schtupping, but from running, sorry—I realize I’ve been terrible in leaving you all doll-pusses without any Blind Vice action. Doubly sorry!

Came home to a bit of an online tremor that Mr. Toothy Tile himself is about to be outed—elsewhere on the Internet. Hmmm. Who could it be? (The closeted actor, not the outer, I mean.)

Let’s see. There’s Jesse Metcalfe, a very popular guess for Mr. T, I wonder why? Could it be that meticulous attention J.M. gives his brow 'n' bod parts? Possibly. In fact, while normally balmy Hell-Ay was sweltering in 100-plus swampy degrees—

thanks to Al Gore’s predicted weather apocalypse, no doubt—Jess-hon was bouncy as evah.

There he was, as if he were tiptoeing through the temperature-perf tulips, showing off his bitchin’ bulge collection at 24 Hour Fitness, at the ArcLight in H'wood.

That’s, like, such the equivalent of movie stars heading to the mall when they need a good ego-boosting recognition quotient—as the ArcLight is a tad trendier (i.e., cooler) spot to Hell-Ay-hang than the Grove. Mr. Em, actually, I should admit, was a bit moist, as the Hades-provided air was beginning to make even the former Desperate Housewives pretty boy get a tad dewy. Cutoff red tee and cutoff white shorts was the very Flashdance-esque, perfectly ripped attire for Metcalfe. So very Jennifer Beals, love it.

And the public opinion? Better than days past, when the dubious actor has often been ripped a new brown eye(brow) for his overly beautified, often vacuous pro demeanor.

“Ick!” screamed one flashy blond bystander. “I don’t even like this guy, but he was lookin’ yummy!”Could it be Jess-doll’s latest tat that’s makin’ him look, how shall we say, less Toothy-esque?

‘Cause, yes, this is a long-ass way of telling you I suspect Metcalfe’s days of making himself a prime candidate for the correct identity of the elusive Toothy T may be coming to an end. And it ain’t him, anyway.